jesses love

I love you, baby.

From the first moment, 

I felt not good enough.

You were so big,

You were so rough.

You were...real...

You actually wanted me,

you wanted my body,

you kissed me
you whispered to me

I melted

I fell for you,

I cry for us all the time

you and me and everything

I was only a young girl.

you an me

we just were

we just fucking were.

everybody has a fate

i live

you die

grrrrrrrrrr

i'm coming, 

right behind.

I am nothing

Music plays everywhere and all in between

I am lost in the moment

I am me

try your everything

nothing compares to me

Sometimes I just cry. 

 Because.

I am alone

I am ugly

I am discarded

I am lonely

I cry for the lost,

the shunned,

the fucked,

the fucking broken hearted, 

I cry for you and me

 the crazy,

all the shit inbetween.

I am not everything i wanted to be.

two

Each very different, but one of a kind

Growing together like a vine

Laughing and laughing and laughing

until arguement time

Yelling and hitting, glared eyes, and mad!

But, loving, protective, best friends

two of you make one

brother and sisiter united

always keep that

always

can't

its not fair that you get taken right to the heart

shy cries for him.

Can you handle that?

I can't.

I want to scream

I want to fucking screammmm!

I want him 

He is dead

I can't have him anymore.

You

You take over my body

my mind is crazy

My heart beats and beats

I cannot breath

Somebody save me please

Fix what is wrong with me

I am insane

uncomfortable in me

Up late, trying to get my shit straight

all mixed up as usual and can't find control

I just want to lay my head down

I just want to lay my head down

I can't remember the last time I played my guitar

I hate you for dying

for ignoring me and changing your phone on me

you expected too much

I just can't give

I have these two kids

you know

you fucking KNOW!

This shit is my diary.

I think I will just be tormented with my own sick thoughts tonight

why not

I'm going to think about the knot

Play it,

I knew you when you had lights in your eyes

How fucking dare you!

You left me

you left me here to bleed

you left me here

without a word

I wish i could be with you

You never fucking said anything

you should have told me you were sick

I understand what i am

play enter sandman

PLAY IT!!!!\

Fucking play it!!!

I kill myself
for me
I can't stand your memory
any of them
you were here, every birthday
you sang for me
Fuck my birthday, fuck everything
Fuck my motherfucking birthday
fuck it.

I am not right

I want you

Davey

Davey

Davey

in my life.

You missed my birthday

sad face.

words were said

and said

and fucking said

your voice is drowning

please die

smother yourself in those lies

don't smile at me

don't be here

go away

instruments of pain

wail away

show me your weakness

show me your pain

rain

rain rain

with your instruments of pain

cover me in garbage

cover me in rain

I will soon enough fade away

no smile on this face

it's up to you if it rains

cover me

You're so tired of me

of my everything.

You don't care about me,

that's what you said.

If you can't fuck me you will think of everything against me.

You know what? 

FUCK YOU TOO

Fuck your mom

Fuck your dad

Fuck your crackhead sister

Fuck your pussy bitch attitude

FUCK OFF

Fuck your stupid temper

and your passive aggressive ways

Fuck your money

your house

Fuck your dinner

I hope i snore in your dreams.

mouth full of greed

you want everything

stop

bitchhh

same old

same old thing

they all want everything

sluts

Forgotten in time

I have been used abused not trusting

he measured me

claimed my self doubt issues.

i will kill him if he lives

find him.

seriously.

I wish I could say everything

that is too hard

too much

We always knew, always

I will never forget that New Years

You, Davey

You begged me to say

I was so young 

you poured your heart out to me

I was so young

Becky was getting beat

I wanted you to stop it

your mind was on me

She was screaming

you left us

I walked home 

heard her parents screaming

some guy said

"hey girl, you over 18"

fuck you!

no

I just want davey.

You're just gone and it's not fair

I guess our love is secret forever

forever, in our hearts

I wanted to be with you

all of the way

you loved me all of the way

you fought for me

you knew me

I knew you you

We heard each others hearts that day

you died

  I will never be the same

without you, I cry and cry.

I read all of your letters from that time

I'm such a bitch

you wanted me so bad

I wanted you

I gave up when you moved

it broke my heart not seeing you

breathing you

teasing you

I remember everything about you

you stroke my cheek that day

I betrayed for you

I needed you

always needed you

 you are scarring up my heart

fake friend

I only needed a thrill

don't shut me out like you do

I'm still here

I still wait

I'm still here

Sometimes your heart just wraps around another

not my fault

not my smile

not me

your letters are gold to me

my heart is open

scarred

remembering is hard

I get taken to a place of hurt

I deny

I left you scared

you left me scarred
you left me 

I was terrible

I led you along

I didn't realize till after that you and i belong

we made crazy love

we made deceitful love

you and I

I remember New Years

you made your intentions clear

I was scared

I was young

I wish I would have kissed your mouth

you left me there

I wish I would have kissed your mouth

I walked the Butte streets home alone.

I don't like to think about it.

you were mad

you died

I keep our feelings locked inside,

nobody knows this pain

I hurt so bad

I cry alone

I deny

I miss you

voices complicate things\

just be yourself

fuck

you're annoying me

yourself

yourself

yourself.

You suck

remember when i was there..

muck

stuck

fuck

I was there

remember when you needed

I was there

I still exist.

I'm the one.

you double suck.

for pretending I don't exist

you triple suck.

I was there.

I am right here.

I suck.

Dad

I used to have those nightmares and cry in my bed.

You would kiss me and say;
 just think of angels baby,
 they protect you,

they are all around you,
they are kissing you.

You always knew the right things to say.

My mind was full of angels and magic and make believe.
You taught me what is was to dream
To make the best out of everything.
To say fuck you and mean it.
You taught me to believe in myself unconditionally.
That I have the power to my own destiny.
I was a little girl with meaning.
My dad was amazing.
 We would dance in circles and sing

I was living a dream.

Music was everything.

With purple elephants crashing.

and leprechauns laughing,

and your eyes twinkling.

Music was everything.

There was a blizzard that February day,

when our angels came and took you away. 
I was so scared to say goodbye,
I secretly begged for you to give it just one more try.
But, you were so sick.
And, you were so tired, Daddy.
So, we let the angels light you.
We all held hands and watched
you take that last breath.

You took the picture I made you off the wall. 

In that way you said good bye to us all.
One of our angels you are now.
We all suffered on our own for you.
I'm not scared anymore, dad
I know you 
You are my angel now.

You were light when you stole my dreams that night.

That night I heard my brother cry.

You said "I'm okay" right to my face.

"I'm in a good place".

I know it's true, but I still miss you.

I still get blue,

I still cry, 

I still miss you.

Night Thinking

It always comes at night
in the darkness,
in the emptiness.
I'm in love with the feeling I have depended on for so long
Inspire me.
Desire me.
Waste my thoughts on your existence.
show me the reason for this ache,
this hate,
this love,
this fucking rape of my mind.
I am lost.